Bhai behen ka pyar...

Saturday afternoon:- Chennai was mauling Sharukh's knights which wasn't making for good viewing : so I switched channels just in time to catch the fantabulous beginning of Meri Taquat on Star Gold
Scene 1:- Rajaram Yelchuri Medical College
The quintessential behna( referred to as QB for brevity's sake from now on) walking out of a lab (after a hard day of autopsies no doubts) when she is accosted by the college ka gunda (CKG) with all the prerequisites for being a gunda in place, namely:-
1. A two week old stubble
2.First 3 buttons of brightly colored shirt open revealing a netted baniyan(preferably fluorescent orange).. bottom portion of the shirt tied in a knot.
3. Big ugly locket... gold if possible, dangling from the neck.
4. Silver earrings in left ear. Extra flashier earns more brownie points..
5. white shoes (plain white, no patterns allowed)
6. A group of at least 6 sub-gundas alll dressed in bright colors with cheap cooling glasses (at least 3 must be students of the college from the last 10 years and atleast one must have a bristling moustache )

QB: yeh kya batameezi hai... rasta chodon..
CKG: Baby..kahi dinon se tujhe nazar hai... chal ghumne jaate hai kahi..
QB: no dialogue... responds with OTS (one tight slap)
CKG: (lunges for her)... Saali tujhe pata hai mera bhai kon hai?? (Kyun tujhe pata nahi??)
Tharra King..Baaji Ganeshan... puri city unke naam se kaapti hai... aaja meri bulbul..
QB: Chod mujhe.. chod.. mera bhai kon hai pata hai??? Voh yaha 5 min main pahuchenge...
phir dekh teri kya haalat karenge voh..

Scene 2:-Baaji ka adda
A swank car( Maruti 1000 which for some reason they keep calling 'Benz car' throughout the movie) screeches to a halt to the beat of racy music.
First the shoes emerge...black, steel tipped of course.. the camera moves upwards at 2cm/min to the accompanying tune of - hero..hero..It stops just short of revealing his face. A resounding roar screams " Meri behen ko kisne chedha?"
Now this is the strangest case of telepathy I've seen to date. I mean is there some alarm that goes off in his shower every time his behena is chedoed?? Vadde log...vaddi vaddi baatein..

Baaji's goons come rushing at him from every imaginable direction armed with cycle chains, hockey sticks and broken bottles.
But surprisingly not one gun... (Sheesh Mr Baaji... Is this how you run a tharra operation?? I mean..really bleak career prospects for the aam Baaji gunda.. I mean atleast a desi revolver..)

Baaji:- (strong southie accent) Are kon hai re tu? Jo Baaji ke adde pe akele aur nihaata aaya hai?
N then flash-in from 5 different angles... the chants of hero..hero.. reach a feverish pitch as the 'bhai' is revealed..
It's none other then... apna VICCCTORRRY VENKATESH... The black leather overcoat in the sweltering heat,gargantuan Armani shades that look like the aftermath of a cataract operation... I'm kicking myself at this point... I really shud have guessed it's Venkie a while back.

Venkie:- Mera naam hai Laxmi Narasimha... tumhare bhai ne meri behen ko cheda hai.. ab tum sab gaye kaam se..As he says this there's a sound of thunder in the sweltering afternoon heat... i swear I'm not making this up..

Baaji's cronie( one of those thakur ka paan chewing munim types):- Baaji ka status(??) bina jaane tum yaha aa gaye.. Ab tu yaha se zinda nahi jayega..
Laxmi Narsimha:-Yeh status nahi stamina ki baat hai.. ( Next Horlicks add ppl we have a killer catch phrase... any takers?)
Mercifully the action begins right away.. Laxmi casually flicks the first attacker to deep fine leg. He crashes into a passing car probably haemorraging as we speak.
The next cronie gets the steel tipped spur boots flat in the stomach. Laxmi snatches the bike chain from his hands and then lets loose..
Hell hath no fury like a Laxmi Narsimha with a bike chain.
Within minutes the entire tharra group is lying sprawled in a heap. Laxmi then turns to Baaji who seems to have lost some of his earlier cockiness n become a wee bit more guarded.
A few well aimed punches n Baaji joins his henchmen.

The phone rings and the munim answers.. it'S CKG..
CKG: Hello.. Munim.. Baaji kaise hai?
Munim:- Abhi tak toh zinda hai..par aage ka koi bharosa nahi... pata karneko phone karte rehna.
(Dry humor han Munim... nice...)

His work now done, Laxmi zooms off in his 'Benz car'. One more screech of the brakes n he's in the Rajaram College.
CKG comes running and falls at his feet.. " Laxmiji hamein maaf kar do... mujhe nahi pata tha ki Nilu( oh so that's her name.. finally..) aapki behen hai..Aage se aisi galti kabhi nahi hogi..

Laxmi:- Tum Issstudent ho.. tumhara sar sirf kitabon ke saamne jhukana chahiye(N this is relevant how?)..Jao padhai karo.

Nilu(aka QB) comes running "Bhaiya bhaiya.. thanks bhaiya..
Laxmi kisses her on the forehead... dhyan se padhna bacchi... bye dear.

N the Benz zooms off into the horizon.

The spell was finally broken and I switched back to IPL to catch the last two overs of the Kolkata innings switching back just in time to catch the song sequence between Laxmi and his love interest who seems to have sprung within two Chennai overs.. Praise the lord..
The song goes like this..(N i quote)

dikh tak dhin kare dil meri rani..
dekh ke teri mast jawani..
koi nahi hai tere jaisa..
tu hai meri Mona Lisa...

Encore..

Home Alone -1 Creating Life

First things first.. the only reason I have started writing a blog was my first two New-year resolutions( losing 5 kgs and learning a foreign language) have met with a painful demise. So choosing the path of least resistance, I skipped down to resolution NO 3..(writing a blog)

This is the first of a three part series entitled "Home Alone" which describes my series of (mis)adventures trying to survive all by my own at home. My parents decided enough was enough... They were fed up of my laziness and decided it was time to bring out the big guns.
So one lazy Sunday afternoon comes the announcement, "Son we're going for a one month trip to Kerala. You will need to fend for yourself..."
Engrossed in 'Best of Friends' , realization of what 'fending' for myself entailed did not hit me until much later- cooking, watering the plants, ironing my clothes,cleaning ( Yeah we do have a bai but it sounds more dramatic when I include cleaning.. ) I broke out in cold sweat. Parents are just not supposed to be going off for vacations leaving hopelessly parasitic children in the lurch.
So D-day arrived. Mom and Dad bustled off in an auto rickshaw. Their smirks were almost demonic.. " Let's see how he wriggles out of this one" was probably what they were thinking to themselves.

The first few days passed off uneventfully. Except for the living room which looked like a mating ground for ostriches, and a few burnt vessels( How am i supposed to know you have to use copper bottom vessels to boil milk) I'd by and large avoided permanent damage. I felt in control of things and was actually getting a little cocky.
And I'd even managed a perfect golden brown egg the previous night. Bring it on - was my mantra right now for pretty much everything.
But then the misfortunes started. First the bai (I'm sure this was also part of the master plan to make my life hell ) announced that she wouldn't be coming for the next 3 days. The ungrateful wretch... this is how you repay me for all the times I actually lifted up my feet when you wanted to clean the rug while watching TV... Then everything began to come apart..
First I discovered that Mommy dearest had left a bottle of my favorite home-made lemon pickle, which unfortunately I'd forgotten existed. Now I'm sure you are aware of the natural cycle every food item follows when left to itself.
1. It first turns a pale yellow. This is the most harmless odorless warning stage.
2. This is followed by a shiny black colour wherein a white gooey ooze is formed. Odor has set in but still well within the realms of tolerance. If you want a better idea just hurt yourself on the shin. Then forget about it for 2 weeks taking special care to ensure that the wound remains wet. This should bring about the onset of the famous black puss stage which is pretty much what I'm talking about.
3. A orangey gooey slush with an odour like someone ripped out the insides of a hyena. And that too one of those disobedient hyenas who doesn't listen to his mom and doesn't brush at night.
By this stage people generally find the food item thanks to the sheer odour. This can be likened to nature's defence mechanism of waste disposal.

But thick- nosed adults like yours truly remain unfazed by Stage 3 and require Stage 4 to alert them that something's amiss.

4 This consists of a gray feathery residue. On close analysis (with my 8th standard dissection set ka magnifying glass), I saw that the feathers were merely shelter for similar coloured industrious wrigglies which were busy creating a city of their own. And the smell.... Gawd... I swear it smelt like alcohol.... (Mom Dad... I swear i don't drink...hic... burp... just happen to know what alcohol smells like... hic..)

So anyways, regretfully I'd to dispose of the dabba. Apparently these wrigglies had some acidic reaction kinda thingie with the steel dabba. So had to get rid of it to save my ass... Evidence removal main apun sabka baap hai...

That's all for now.... Part 2 details my experiments with my Dad's pristine white Zen... (which is not so pristine anymore...)